Pros and Cons of Never Getting Married

A new report by the Pew Research Center predicts that as many as one in four millennials will never get married, in part because they aren’t as financially stable and in part because they don’t regard marriage as highly as did their parents’ generation. Here are some pros and cons of never getting married according to the Onion:

PROS OF NEVER GETTING MARRIED

Less pressure for side-by-side burial plots
Don’t have to sacrifice your goat on wedding day
Avenges all the mistakes your parents made raising you
Will get to have sex with a different attractive person every night for the rest of your life
Children can grow up steeped in dizzying ambiguities
Rebuilding America by avoiding needless tax benefits
Can live life unfettered by oppressive institution that represents undying love for person you care for more than anything in world

CONS OF NEVER GETTING MARRIED

Codependence less adorable without signed contract
Any children you have outside of marriage become public property
Have to go through life without the sage counsel of mother-in-law
No wedding ring to throw onto poker table
One less thing to exclude Rebecca from
Easier for partner to disappear with kids to Mexico
Will one day have to introduce 85-year-old woman as “girlfriend”

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