The system’s prevailing notion in the termination of marriage is that both sides are equally at fault. This is debilitating, infuriating and magnifies the already intense suffering of going through divorce. An otherwise put-together person will become as crazy as they’ll every be while going through divorce, and this while dealing with a spouse who plays somewhat fair. When dealing with a personality disordered spouse, the suffering greatly intensifies.
It is vitally necessary for judges and domestic/family lawyers, or trial lawyers, to have a clear understanding of what personality disorders entail. There are relationships that fail when both sides did their best but couldn’t succeed; or they fail because the partners just weren’t right for each other. And then, there are those that were never right from the beginning because one member was not who he/she seemed to be.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) may be characterized by wide mood swings‚ intense anger even at benign events‚ idealization (such as of their spouse — or attorney) followed by devaluation (such as of their spouse — or attorney).
Unfortunately, divorcing a Borderline is everything you hate most in life: delays; disruptions of your business routine and personal regimens; dramas bordering on bad theater; impossible, inflexible people; inconsistent demands and confusing signals; serial hurry-up-and-waits; every specie of verbal and behavioral deceit ever conceived by the human mind; physical, emotional, financial, social and psychological abuse; total chaos. All of this in a judicial setting designed to enable the Borderline to amplify and exploit both human and institutional weaknesses.
It’s like swimming out into the ocean from the beach and then turning around to swim back to shore only to find nothing but water as far as the eye can see. No landmarks. No people. No boats. No help. Nothing but water to the horizons in all directions.
In family law court, the very qualities that make you successful in business will prove to be your downfall in your Borderline divorce. You were trained to take charge and to adopt a “can do” attitude. You want non-issues resolved yesterday. You have no patience for people who have nothing better to do than to waste your time and money. But in a Borderline divorce, you can rest assured nothing will happen when you want or need it to happen. People who have far more issues than you will judge your life while lying to you, while engaging in passive/aggressive behavior, while paying lip service to the “best interests of the child”, and while employing “secrets” and codes of silence. They will not let you see the man behind the curtain, but they act like they expect you to know what the Great Oz is doing.
